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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24128536">help, i lost myself again</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/WordsAblaze/pseuds/WordsAblaze'>WordsAblaze</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Hollow (Cartoon)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Feels, Basically just angst, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Introspection, Kai-centric, No Beta We Die Like Skeet, Spoilers, btw nobody except kai has a major role in this fic, butler davis is very much appreciated, hurt Kai, idk what to tag, kai deserves better, kai's dysfunctional parents, seriously this is one big spoiler for s2, sorry in advance</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 16:29:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,630</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24128536</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/WordsAblaze/pseuds/WordsAblaze</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It's over and they've won but is it really winning if Kai somehow feels more lost than ever?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Adam &amp; Kai &amp; Mira (The Hollow), Adam &amp; Kai (The Hollow), Kai &amp; Mira (The Hollow), Kai &amp; Vanessa (The Hollow)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>139</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>help, i lost myself again</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>also known as: angst™ because i like hurting my faves...<br/>title from six feet under by bilie eilish :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Kai wakes up, he doesn't react as calmly as the others.</p><p>He doesn't go and ask his parents if they're real or question the existence of his house.</p><p>But that's because his parents aren't there, they're <em> never </em> there, and his house feels just as empty as it <em>always</em> did.</p><p>The doughnuts taste great though.</p><p>And then he runs into another Hollow gamer who seems not to recognise him but he doesn't really question it because why would someone so talented and famous want to talk to <em> him </em> anyway?</p><p>But then Mira and Adam share their thoughts and he has to admit that what they think makes sense in a really nonsensical kind of way. </p><p>So he takes them to his house and <em> tries </em> not to pay attention to their judgemental staring, <em> gazing </em>, as Davis brings them something to drink, as they notice the giant statue of himself, as they see his neighbour Kevin.</p><p>The giant chicken from his nightmares helpfully distracts him from thinking about their reactions.</p><p>But Mabel is eventually defeated because as if he's going to allow his nightmares to <em> hurt </em> his best friends.</p><p>And then it turns out his best friends <em> don't </em> in fact like each other when he'd spent most of the first hollow game thinking that they do, that they choose each other over him.</p><p>He's not sure if it's worse that they liked each other or if it's worse that they <em> didn't </em> , because the latter means they just didn't like <em> him.  </em></p><p>Maybe they <em> aren't </em> his best friends after all. </p><p>He certainly isn't <em> theirs </em> anyway. </p><p>He pointedly ignores those thoughts once he realises he really <em>isn't</em> dreaming and they get caught up in figuring out how to find Weirdy. </p><p>But those thoughts come <em> right </em> back when he asks Adam why they'd chosen him over Reeve and apparently it's just because he was available. </p><p><em> Available </em>.</p><p>Not because he was <em> good </em> at what he did or because they <em> liked </em> him or because they thought he could <em> help </em> , but just because he was <em> there </em>. </p><p>It stings to hear but he doesn't argue because they have more pressing matters, like making sure the other, more <em> valuable </em> member of their team is okay. </p><p>And anyway, Adam jokes around with him afterwards and it's not really <em> that </em> bad. </p><p>
  <em> (But he does stop trying to convince Adam he's cool because clearly that's a futile quest.) </em>
</p><p>It's bittersweet to see Skeet because last time, he and Reeve had all but <em> bullied </em> him, but it's better this time because he's far nicer - he does try and leave the second they rescue him but that's only to be expected, really. </p><p>Fighting fire with fire is <em> ridiculous </em> but it works out in the end, mostly thanks to Adam and his clever ideas. </p><p>Speaking of clever ideas, Skeet's idea to try and reboot is <em> not </em> clever and it's endlessly frustrating to try and rescue someone who doesn't want to be rescued.</p><p><em> (It's kind of like how his parents keep trying to rescue a marriage that's better off not rescued) </em> </p><p>But they do it anyway, and then they find Mira, and it turns out she and Skeet have something between them, which makes his old crush on Mira kind of <em> embarrassing </em>. </p><p>And he convinces himself that the others let him control the wheels that turn the puzzle floors because they <em> know </em> he can fly, not just because he'd be the <em>lesser</em> loss if something went wrong. </p><p>Sliding on mucus is surprisingly fun, and there's something he never thought he'd think. </p><p>But losing a friend is <em> significantly </em> less fun. </p><p>Although he's not <em> entirely </em> sure he can call Skeet a friend but they'd shared laughs and Skeet hadn't minded his presence all that much and that's what friends are like, right?</p><p>So it definitely hurts to lose him, and he imagines Mira is devastated. He just wishes he could <em> help </em>. </p><p>But he <em> can't </em>, as usual. </p><p>It's definitely <em> unusual, </em> though, that the weird evil scientist decides to dress Adam and Mira up to look fancy and formal and he gets given a <em> sailor </em> outfit, of all things. </p><p>
  <em> (Come on, he has fire powers, why would he ever be a sailor?) </em>
</p><p>But the guy has good cutlery, Kai can give him that. Although said cutlery is not so good when Reeve is trying to <em> kill </em> him with it. </p><p>Saving the others from their weird possessed state <em> ruins </em> his hair but really, it doesn't matter when he's wearing what he is. </p><p>And then they finally, <em> finally </em> find Weirdy.</p><p>Though not before they meet another team in which one of them has fire power, <em> his </em> power.</p><p>And Nisha is <em> really </em> good at using it. </p><p>But it's meant to be <em> his </em> thing. </p><p>If another player can master his power better than he can, what does he have left?</p><p>It's <em> unfair </em>.</p><p>What's also unfair is Adam and Reeve yelling at each other like an old married couple, <em> exactly </em> like another married couple he knows. </p><p>It throws him back to Easter and how arguing had ruined his chance of finding any chocolate the Easter Bunny had left for him, and he abruptly forgets where he is and what they're doing. </p><p>
  <em> (Thank heavens for Davis, who had always given him chocolate before bed to try and make up for things.) </em>
</p><p>He manages to push his memories aside as they focus on trying to get Weirdy's attention but all they get for their trouble is being thrown into yet another life or death situation. </p><p>It's disheartening to know that even Weirdy, who'd been <em> specifically </em> programmed to <em> help </em> them, has given up on them. </p><p>Not to mention that Vanessa won't stop acting strange and although he'd figured out that she was only <em> pretending </em> to like him before, which is a <em> whole </em> other world of hurt he doesn't even <em> want </em> to address, it's unnerving to see her so quiet. </p><p>But she mostly ignores him and they end up separated from Adam and Reeve. </p><p>They end up <em> eaten </em>, actually. </p><p>It's a bizarre experience and not one he'd like to experience ever again. Although he'd take it over Christmas dinners <em> any </em> day. </p><p>And then he manages to get Vanessa to tell him why she's been so sad, and they have what he feels like is a <em> nice </em> conversation. </p><p>
  <em> (It's rare that he can discuss video games with someone who understands what he's talking about and poor Davis had tried but hadn't quite gotten the hang of it all.) </em>
</p><p>Of course he wants to blame her but he'd already <em> done </em> that and it hadn't helped in the slightest so he just assures her he <em> isn't </em> annoyed. </p><p>And then the others get back because apparently Mira is the only one who can help things along when they're underwater. </p><p>And he wants to tell Adam how <em> happy </em> he is to see him but he remembers that Adam had chosen him out of <em> necessity </em> and he holds back. </p><p>Plus, Adam and Reeve suddenly being friendly with each other again means he's probably no longer needed anyway. </p><p>Well, it was fun while it lasted. </p><p>The pixies or sprites or whatever they are make a nice break from people trying to kill them and figuring out how to make a goat is actually pretty <em> enjoyable </em>.</p><p>Until Weirdy ruins it by telling them they're not even real. </p><p>But they're not dead either, so he'd been <em> slightly </em> wrong about that.</p><p>And it turns out the other team have figured out their doomsday weapon, which is <em> exactly </em> what they don't need to make things better. </p><p>Stopping the other team is just as easy as his parents getting along, which is to say it's one of the most <em> difficult </em> things in the world. </p><p>Vanessa ends up disappearing, and that's just <em> great </em> because he'd thought they were getting close, becoming <em> friends </em> , and he'd <em> just </em> convinced the others to side with her. </p><p><em> (But it's fine because it's nothing new, it's not like he's used to retaining friends.) </em> </p><p>And then because of course life can't be <em> easy </em> , they have to stall the other team, who seem to <em> always </em> be a step ahead of them. </p><p>He <em> tries </em> to be a good friend and joins Adam in attempting to force the weird pyramid open but it seems his efforts go unappreciated, surprise surprise. </p><p><em> Stupid </em> motion sickness. </p><p>He can practically <em> feel </em> Mira's disapproval when he throws up but he can't <em> help </em> it, he really <em> can't </em>, and he'd take a dragon over a car chase anytime.</p><p>The boss battle feels <em> wrong </em> and they all just get thrown around for trying to confusingly help by <em> not </em> helping. </p><p>And he feels <em> awful </em> because he knows he wouldn't have been fast enough to save Iris, he'd almost cost everyone their lives.</p><p>But he's happy Vanessa is alive.</p><p>Although it seems he's <em> too </em> happy because by telling Vanessa what he'd figured out about the mechanical boss, the other team learns how to win. </p><p>All is almost lost, <em> again </em>. </p><p>Well, before Weirdy finally gets round to being amazing, helping them <em> properly, </em> and conjuring a portal that leads back to whatever their new life is. </p><p>It works. </p><p>It really <em> works </em>. </p><p>And they're <em>still </em>not dead. </p><p>And everything is as okay as it can be.</p><p>Except it's <em> not </em> , because the others have <em> families </em> to go back to but the game hadn't even <em> thought </em> to program his parents into this world so all he has is a mostly <em> empty </em> house. </p><p>
  <em> (That's not to say he's not grateful for Davis, who is by far the best butler and friend in the world.) </em>
</p><p>But while the others are making a toast to old friends and new adventures, he can't help but feel a little <em> lost </em>. </p><p>Actually, make that <em>very</em> lost.</p><p>Because where does he <em> fit </em> into this new world? </p><p>Turns out you can take Kai out of the hollow but you can't take the hollow <em> feeling </em> out of Kai.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>sorry for the big sad but in all fairness, the poor boy is 14 and we had enough references to his traumatic experiences to warrant this ;)</p><p>you can come find me on tumblr at @ kaidamplease where i am slowly spamming with my drafts of s2 thoughts if you wish :p</p><p>thanks for reading! leave a kudos or comment? xx</p></blockquote></div></div>
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